Saturday, January 22, 2011

Someone please explain "Kidz Bop" to me...

These are all real Kidz Bop songs. For ease of reading, I'm breaking them down into categories of inappropriateness.

Too Oversexed for Kids:

"Come On Over Baby" by Christina Aguilera. Hint: she's not inviting him over to play XBox.

"1985" by Bowling for Soup. Kids don't need to hear about mom's groupie days, as anyone who saw me at that H.I.M. concert in 2003 can attest.

"California Gurls" by Katy Perry f./ Snoop Dogg. Even if you could discount the lyrics, Snoop Dogg has his own porn series. (It's called...well, exactly what you'd expect.)

"Low" by Flo Rida. Explain to your 4th-grader what "apple bottom jeans" are. Go ahead.

"If I Had You" by Adam Lambert. At least they cut the line about him wearing stripper heels.

"Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5. This is one my favorite bands, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm pretty sure all of their songs are about hate-sex (even the slow songs).

"Animal" by Ke$ha. No one, especially children, should ever be exposed to Ke$ha, not even aurally.

Dysfunctional Relationships (mostly infidelity):

"Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker. Best example line: "I'm not worried about the ring you wear, 'cause as long as no one knows, then nobody can care."

"Dilemma" by Nelly. The dilemma is whether or not to continue an affair with a woman still involved with her son's father.

"Lips of an Angel" by Hinder. You know the song.

Nickelback makes this sub-list twice, with "Someday" and "How You Remind Me". Double bonus for addiction references in the latter.

"Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. No one cheats, because this song is from the point-of-view of a stalker. Bonus: Alexander Skarsgard plays her boyfriend in the video, and she straight-up murders him.

Too Depressing for Adults, much less kids:

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. AKA "that song in college we always played and cried to when we were drunk and it was really late in the night"

"Photograph" by Nickelback. Fun fact: This entire list contains only about half the Kidz Bop covers of Nickelback. Is Kidz Bop Canadian?

"My Immortal" by Evanescence. I still cry to this song. This is like making kids read Steinbeck and watch "Old Yeller" at the same time.

"How to Save a Life" by the Fray. Yes, the song that is entirely about an intervention. Great for kids whose parents suffer from substance abuse issues.

"If Today Was Your Last Day". Nickelback again! And, yeah, that's what I want my child to be thinking about: their inevitable death.

Honorable Mention:

"Disturbia" by Rhianna. This song's not clear what its message is about, but if hearing it played repeatedly at Legends is any indication, it's about hallucinogenic drugs and cross-dressing.

This is a two-part post. Up next...I write my own song list for Kidz Bop: Classics!

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