Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Pregnancy for Profit: How to make money from pregnancy, childbirth, and infancy

Kids are awesome.  Babies are great.  But they don't come cheap.

Fortunately, if your morals are flexible enough and/or you're willing to sacrifice your ethics, you can actually use the impending arrival of your little one as a cash cow.  (Don't you already feel like a cow anyway?)

I'm not even going to suggest anything that's harmful to yourself or your little one.  Just a few simple things for which there's a market, and that only pregnant woman can provide.  (In other words, I'm not going to suggest you be a medical lab rat, or sell the naming rights to your kid, or anything like that.)

Per the usual, this article is intended for humor purposes only.  8PP is not legally or financially responsible for any bad decisions you make following our tongue-in-cheek advice.  (Really, we're not responsible about anything in any sense at all.)

$$$ Make money during pregnancy.  Sell your pee. $$$  It's a bit of a trope that you pee all the time when you're pregnant.  But wouldn't you view it as less of an inconvenience if you could get paid for every tinkle?  As it turns out, there is a huge market for pregnant lady urine.  This is because of a little hormone known as hcg.

You may remember hcg as the hormone which causes that 2nd pink line to appear on the pee stick.  It is a hormone pretty much exclusively found in women who are, shall we say, knocked up.  And an enterprising charlatan has convinced desperate fat people that the answer to weight loss lies not in diet and exercise, but in hcg.

So you sell your urine to unscrupulous online pharmacies, and they in turn sell injectable forms of it to people who would rathershoot preggo urine in their veins than give up jelly donuts.  Of course, hcg doesn't do anything to help anyone lose weight, but that doesn't mean they won't pay you for your pee.

$$$ Make money during childbirth.  Sell your placenta. $$$  As I've mentioned before, placenta is gross, and people are willing to do all sorts of gross things with it.  But placenta is hidden in all sorts of things you wouldn't even expect.  For instance, did you know that a lot of high-end cosmetic and personal grooming products contain placenta?  Apparently, someone (probably European) decided that blood-filled meat sacs are good for hair and skin.

Pregnant women's internal organs aren't just for the vain, however.  A lot of traditional Chinese medicine makes use of human placenta, and some magical spells and practices call for placenta as a key ingredient.  (Typically, for use as a cure for infertility.)

That disgusting thing that looks like a mutilated blobfish, that you birth after your child?  You can sell that to women desperate for a child of their own.  (Or, alternatively, to shallow women who are just looking for the glowing skin and hair of a pregnant woman.)

$$$ Make money during your child's infancy.  Sell your breastmilk. $$$  While a lot of women have difficulty breastfeeding, other moms are almost too good at it, and end up with an excess of stored milk, far more extra than they would ever need for their baby.

If you're one of those women, you can sell your breastmilk.  Now, you could do the good and noble thing and sell it at cost (ex. "shipping & handling") to women who can't produce milk of their own, or to widowed fathers with young babies.  But then you won't be able to charge top-dollar.

If you really want to cash in with breastmilk, sell it to people who use it in recipes (like the place that sells breastmilk ice cream), or better yet, sell it to fetishists.  As long as you agree to keep your buyers' identities anonymous, those perverts will pay you a lot of money for that liquid gold.

See?  Who said having a baby has to be expensive?  If you're willing to sacrifice your dignity, ethics, and morals, you can make money off of anything.


Anonymous said...

Disgusting... Absolutely disgusting, now once I am done wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard, I am going to look up those urine sights! (I bet you hope I am kidding)

Louisa (the Dancing Unicorn) said...

This post really made me ROFL! <3 (and google where I could sell my pee. I couldn't find anything.)

Beverly said...

I find this line disgusting “who would rather shoot preggo urine in their veins than give up jelly donuts”.
I can tell you I haven’t had a donut in many many years but haven’t been able to lose weight until the Hcg diet. I do not over eat and have workout out, eat raw vegab, detoxed, went to a paleo diet and have been off grains and sugar for ages. And could not drop weight. It certainly wasn’t my jelly donut consumption keeping that weight on. It was a hormonal imbalance that Hcg seemed to help balance.
If you would look at the recent clinical trials (2012) you would see how the Hcg works to loss fat and not muscle during the protocol.

Thank you to all the unscrupulous women that have provided Hcg for non-jelly eating overweight people who were contemplating surgery as a last resort.

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