Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I want to be a toddler for a day.


I used to always say that, if I had to come back for another life, I wanted to be a housecat. They live like ancient royalty, with servants waiting on them hand and foot.

But, looking at my son's life, I think it'd be pretty cool to be a toddler again.

My husband is the one who got me thinking about it this morning. It's gotten miserably cold (again), and we both had a hard time getting out of bed for work this morning. While helping my son get his coat on, he said, "Daddy wants to go to preschool with you, and play and nap and have snacktime."

Which really doesn't sound too bad. Do some arts & crafts, listen to storytime...That's an awesome day. And it's not just preschool. My son's weekends are pretty sweet, as well. He lives like a celebrity every day of the year. Let's take a look at his typical Sunday.

8:00 a.m. Wake up. Breakfast is already prepared and waiting as soon as the morning diaper change is completed. (In fact, he gets a sippy cup of milk as soon as he wakes up, that he enjoys during his diaper change.)

8:05 a.m. Watch a few minutes of a Nick Jr. show while eating breakfast. Sneak bits of breakfast to the doggies when you think Mommy isn't looking.

8:20 a.m. Pick out (amongst a small set of options) what you want to wear to church. Insist on accessorizing with a fuzzy blue hat. Provide assistance while parents dress you.

8:30 a.m. Leave for church. Sing and babble in the backseat until Mommy and Daddy take the hint to stop talking to each other and to turn on music for you. Enjoy being sung to and played with for rest of ride.

9:00 a.m. Arrive at church. Receive compliments on adorability and fuzzy blue hat. (Really ham it up and give everyone big cheesy grins.) Insist on snacking on banana despite full breakfast less than an hour ago. Accompany Mommy and Daddy into prayer meeting.

9:02 a.m. Squirm in wriggle in Daddy's lap until he has to set you down. Then proceed to either playing hide-and-seek in the rows of chairs, or run down the aisle toward the children's pastor while he's speaking. Be just sweet and mischievous enough that Mommy and Daddy will be too embarrassed to correct you. Finish rest of prayer meeting either sitting in pastor's lap or playing in nursery toys.

9:10 a.m. Head to the lobby with parents to see grandparents - Poppa & Mimi. Receive more compliments from more recently arrived church members. Try to crawl into the lap of a stranger in a wheelchair, leaving Mommy to making very awkward apologies. Run off to see Poppa and steal some of his doughnut. Repeat with Mimi.

9:30 a.m. Head back into nursery. Turn on charm with the high school girls working as volunteers. Dance and play and have never-ceasing attention focused on you. If you get sleepy, just pick a pretty high school girl to cuddle with in the rocking chair.

11:00 a.m. Get picked up by Poppa and Mimi while parents serve in children's church. Receive a last round of compliments on way out of lobby. Get loaded into carseat, and leave church.

11:15 a.m. Arrive at IHOP. Order (and eat) a meal too large for a kid twice your age. Instead of feeling guilty about overeating, be complimented on lack of pickiness, and "good appetite". Alternate between flirting with the waitress and flirting with the little girl in the high chair at the next table over. Receive more compliments from complete strangers (and possibly free extra food from the waitress).

12:30 p.m. Arrive back at Poppa and Mimi's house just in time to be picked up by Mommy and Daddy. Take the two-minute ride home, and dive headfirst into a nice long nap.

2:00 p.m. Wake up from nap. For the next three hours, totally enslave your parents as playtime buddies. You want a story read to you? Just pick up the book, walk over to Mommy, and sit in her lap. You want Daddy to make you a fort? Just drag the blanket off the bed and bring it over to him. You want a piggyback ride? No need to give any warning; just sneak up behind Mommy and latch onto her neck. She'll figure it out.

5:00 p.m. Bath time! This part is the best! Play with a fleet of bathtub toys and see how much you can splash Daddy! Throw soap suds at him! Constantly test his authority! (This is best done by standing up in the tub, a big no-no. When he tells you to sit down, squat down as slowly as possible. The second your butt hits water, stand up again, just to see if he was serious about wanting you to sit down. Repeat about 80 times.)

5:30 p.m. Scream like your heart is breaking when Daddy tries to take you out of the bathtub. He'll just set you back down, but will try to trick you by lifting the stopper so all the water drains out. Push it back closed with your foot. (You can even turn this into a game with Daddy, to see how long it takes him to notice each time when you've closed it back.)

5:45 p.m. Realize the bathtub is no fun with all the water gone. Allow Daddy to towell you off and change you into footie pajamas. Get lots of snuggles from Mommy because of your cute little footie jam-jams.

6:00 p.m. Head downstairs while Daddy makes dinner. Switch back and forth between playing with toys with Mommy, and tormenting dogs and cats. (The big fluffy gray cat is patient to a flaw, and his claws lack traction on linoleum. This makes him perfect for dragging around the kitchen by the tail.)

6:30 p.m. Dinner! Finish your portion quickly. This means you can beg off Mommy and Daddy's plates, and get more to eat! Even if you're not hungry, you can still make a mess with the food, or throw some to the dogs again. (Mommy wants to lose weight, and this can be your way of helping.)

7:00 p.m. Blood sugar has spiked, which means it's playtime again! This is a great time to be destructive. Try jumping off the couch onto your tricycle, or wrestling the pomeranian for her squirrel squeaky toy. (As the human baby, you enjoy something like diplomatic immunity with the pets. You can break any of their laws, and they can't retaliate.)

7:30 p.m. Suddenly realize you are very, very sleepy. Grab your seahorse, and walk to the foot of the stairs. Daddy will come along to scoop you up and carry you to bed. Snuggle down with your stuffed animals and go to sleep.

If you could have a day like that, as an adult, wouldn't it be your best day ever? Having random people stop you on the street to tell you how nice and good-looking you were? Being able to flirt without impunity? Being driven everywhere? Long bubble baths? Someone else feeding you? I would just be happy for footie pajamas in my size.

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