Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The "typical" American Mom

Yesterday, I wrote a post talking about cultural stereotypes of my mom readers from other countries.  I meant it all in jest and good fun, and was mainly attempting to showcase exactly how ignorant I am of other nationalities and societies.

Today I wanted to prove that I can take as well as I dish out, so I'm going to be highlighting all the wonderful stereotypes of the "typical" American mom.

As always, I'm going to hope and have faith that my readers can take a joke.

American moms only have 2.5 kids, but we drive SUVs because we're all fat.  Also, American children are spoiled and endlessly plugged into technology, so each of our little tubby offspring needs a row of seats to themselves.  This gives them room for their laptop, iPod, and iPhone, and also allows them to control their own HD television screen in the car.  (Our oversized SUVs come with tvs built into the back of the row in front.)  The most American sight in the world is an SUV covered in soccer and private school bumper stickers bulging out of the drive-thru lane at McDonald's.

American moms love giving their kids unique names, which is why we all get together and choose 4 or 5 to be the top unique names this year.  Currently, our favorite trend is naming our kids after cities, but respelling their names in moronic ways to make them special.  Think of names like "Brookelynne" or "Maddysson".  Based on this trend, I'm expecting next year's hot name to be "Taupeekkuh".

American moms are very competetive with each other, and may have originated the word "frenemy".  Whether its in number of words her child knows, how long the mom breastfed, or even her kid's height, an American mom wants to be sure the other moms know that her kid, and by extension, she herself, is the best.  If one mom proudly proclaims that little Brookelynne is potty-trained at 20 months, another frenemy mom will assure her, "Don't worry; I'm sure she'll catch up.  I only used organic cloth diapers with Maddysson, and was very attuned to her biological cues, so that's why she was potty-trained at 13 months.  Of course, it was much easier for me with her...She's sooo verbarlly-advanced."

American moms go to church for an hour on Sunday, and spend the rest of the week's 167 hours feeling superior about it.  This is especially true if their family has been attending the same large, established church for generation, so they can call themselves one of the "founding families".  It's like a self-imposed aristocracy.

American moms worry about the safety of vaccines, but let gradeschoolers accompany their parents to the gun range.  No one ever said rifles cause autism.  Besides, a lot of those vaccines come from China, and everyone knows the Chinese are just waiting to kill us all.  That's why we need to be sure our kids know how to use guns.

American moms can name all the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but have no idea who the Canadian Prime Minister is.  Also, people who come to this country should automatically learn English, even if it is considered by linguists to be the 2nd-most-difficult language to learn in the world.  But if we go on vacation to a foreign country, everyone there should speak at least a little bit of English, at least enough for us to get by.

American moms like to believe their children suffer from psychological or emotional issues, because medication is easier than discipline.  The most popular diagnosis is ADHD, aka "my kid doesn't want to sit still and listen because he's a freaking kid".

Because their kids have those short attention spans, American moms drive them to a variety of practices and events, none of which the children excel at.  Being dedicated to and mastering one sport or skill is difficult and requires effort.  Besides, colleges like to look for a full schedule and range of activities on applications, so it's important to start multitasking as soon as possible, like 1st grade.  Except for foreign languages; those are stupid.

American moms are entitled, and pass their entitlement on to children.  American moms expect store employees to babysit their kids while the moms shop, and will become furious at other shoppers who get annoyed with their brats screaming and running around.  Then they'll buy the kid a toy, for having such a hard day, having to come shopping with mommy.  They will complain to the manager about the lack of childproofing and "Reserved for families with young children" parking spaces near the front, and insinuate that they shouldn't have to pay for their kid's toy.  If the unsupervised child were to get hurt, the mom would sue the pants off the store and its corporate office.

Did I miss anything?  Obviously these are generalizations and are meant to be laughable, but I won't be surprised if anyone misses the point and gets offended.

Because American moms really don't get satire.

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