We must focus on these important issues facing our country.

For those of you who aren't exposed to national news (but manage to get online to read blogs, for whatever reason), the White House has released the President's long-form birth certificate.  While the "birthers" (those who want to believe President Obama is not a natural-born American citizen) were originally perceived as a fringe group, a recent study reported that roughly 40% of Republicans shared this belief.  (I'm going to go out on a limb and bet that these are the same people who believe he's Muslim, or that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, or that Iraq had WMDs.)

Donald Trump, a self-made gazillionaire (who, oh yeah, just also happened to inherit millions in prime real estate from his daddy), is now trying to call President Obama's scholastic credentials into question.  Trump, who I guess is bored between shooting crappy reality shows and buying implants for airheaded Miss America contestants, now wants to waste even more of the White House and the general public's time in trying to demand release of all of the President's college transcripts, from everywhere he attended.

So now that all but the most vocal crazies have accepted that, yes, President Obama is legally entitled to remain President, I have to wonder what will be the next conspiracy theory to take hold and distract away from all the actually important issues our country is facing.  Here's what I'm predicting the next generation of birthers to demand:

A full medical examination of Michelle Obama on live national television.  To prove she's a woman.  Obviously Obama is part of the neo-socialist-homosexual-some-other-buzzword-islamic-extremist-judaic agenda.  So it would stand to reason that, in addition to being a closet Muslim, he's also a closet homosexual.  ('Cause gays and jihadists are BFFs, am I right?)

A full medical examination of President Obama on live national television.  If (when) it turns out that the First Lady/mother of two is, indeed, a woman, it can only prove one thing...That Barack is also a woman.  Not content to just tricking the country into allowing a black President, the liberal conspirators/Illuminati/Jewish bankers snuck in a black, female, lesbian president.  Speaking of Illuminati...

A blood DNA test to prove the President is not a reptilian shapeshifter.  Look at that picture above.  Does bad photoshop lie?  Besides, we all know the agenda of the alien shapeshifter overlords:

Step One:  Install reptilian shapeshifters at every station of power as world leaders.
Step Two:  ???????
Step Three:  PROFIT!

You know what?  I think it's time for Democrats to turn the tables and start making their own ridiculous demands as well.  For instance, I'm demanding proof that Sarah Palin is not a filthy red.  After all, everyone knows that where she supposedly lives in "Alaska" is right there on the border of the former Soviet Union.  I say we sit her down to a gallon of vodka and borsch, and make her consume both.  If she succumbs to alcohol and/or food poisoning, it's obvious she wasn't really Russian.  My bad.  If she survives, it's clearly because of her commie blood, and that she's a Ruskie spy.  At which point we take her out, old-school, Mata Hari-style.

If she hesitates to accept this challenge, it's obvious because she's hiding something worse.  WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, SARAH?  IF YOU'RE REALLY AMERICAN, YOU'D JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO PROVE IT.

Sounds totally reasonable...right?