Tuesday, June 7, 2011

How to be a better Christian (than everyone else)

Being a good Christian is hard.  You're supposed to read your Bible, and pray, and probably some other stuff, too.  And all those things take time away from the most important part of being a Christian . . . impressing other people with how good a Christian you are.

Fortunately, like all Americans, God loves a shortcut.  That's why there's a super-easy way to look like a great man or woman of God:  Make everyone else look really bad.

Step One.  Cultivate an appearance of modesty.  The important thing to remember here is that you are only trying to appear modest.  If you're actually being modest, you won't be able to draw attention to how you only wear skirts, and only have one ear piercing per ear, like it says in the Bible.  (If anyone asks you wear it says that, just say "Leviticus".  Chances are they haven't read it either.)  You also need to grow your hair long and, preferably, blonde.  After all, "Christ"ians want to appear "Christ-like", and we all know Jesus was Aryan.

(If you're a man, you should just start wearing button-up shirts, khakis, and loafers everywhere casual, and a full coat and tie on Sunday.  If you see any man in your church not doing likewise, you should pull him aside for gentle "counseling", and/or kick him out.)

Step Two.  Hate gay people.  I mean, really hate gay people.  Way more than you already do.  God can forgiven any sin, even murder (unless it's the murder of abortion), but he can't forgive someone for being gay.  (I'm pretty sure that's in Leviticus somewhere.)  You need to realize that gays are the cause of (or, at least, can be blamed for) every societal ill, including AIDS, divorce, and abortion.  (94% of abortion doctors are gays.  It's because they don't want the straight people to keep breeding.)

Also, gays aren't "born that way", they recruit.  (Mostly through "Glee", and at Lady Gaga concerts.)  The only way to fight against this Pink Plague is to yell at funerals about how all gay people go to hell.  But if you ever actually meet a gay, be sure to remind them that you love the sinner, but hate the sin.  Then tell them that homosexuality is just as bad as bestiality and pedophilia.

Step Three.  Avoid anything "secular".  Also, learn the word "secular" and use it all the time.  "Secular" basically means "worldly", or "anything that can't be bought at a Family Christian Bookstore".  The biggest thing to avoid is secular music.  The best ways to avoid secular music and show what a good Christian you are is to go somewhere you know secular music will be played, like a restaurant, or the gym, and then complain loudly to the manager that you can't stand to listen to secular music, and don't they have anything praiseworthy they could put on instead?

"Secular" doesn't just have to refer to music, though.  You can also go to movies and loudly proclaim the name of Jesus to drown out every time a character on the screen curses, or makes an innuendo, or kisses someone they're not married to.  This way, you can be a witness to the poor heathens in the theater with you.

The biggest secular demon to avoid is anything Disney-related.  Disney movies endorse witchcraft (talking animals), and DisneyWorld even lets gay people in one day a year (without relegating them to a separate section of the park or anything).  This is a particularly useful tool for witnessing to people with young children.  If they make any mention of an upcoming Disney movie their kids want to see, explain to them in great detail how you would never let your little blessings witness such a vile and distasteful movie.

Step Four.  Love capitalism.  And I don't mean this namby-pamby socialist state we call capitalism in America nowadays.  I mean the pure, invisible-hand capitalism they practiced in the early church.  Like it says in Acts, "Verily, I say unto you.  When thou doth encounter the widow, the alien, or the orphan, thou shalt give them nothing, lest they cometh to depend on thee for a handout, and never learn to make doeth for themselves."

And that's why universal healthcare is a tool of the devil.

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