Monday, December 19, 2011

A Facebook app I would pay money for...

Last night, I got a text from my little sister.  It simply read:  "Don't get on Facebook."

But, alas, it was too late.  I had already seen that day's pregnancy announcement.

Yes, "that day's".  See, around the holidays, all the happy little preggers women like to start announcing all their happy little pregnancies.  There were five new pregnancies announced on my Facebook feed last week.  That's like, one per workday.  (I'm assuming pregnancy announcements get the weekends off.)

And it's not like I'm not happy for all my pregnant friends.  On a per individual basis, I am happy for each and every one of them.  Thrilled, even.  But when the announcements are coming at me rapid-fire, it's just a reminder that I failed again this cycle, that I'm still not pregnant.  It also makes me feel even lonelier and more isolated, because it seems like everyone can get pregnant except for me.

So, I have been thinking of a design for a new Facebook application that would make everyone else's pregnancies easier on me.  (Because, obviously, people I haven't spoken to since high school should be taking my feelings into consideration before they decide to grow their families.)  Here are some of the features for my new app, which I'm tentatively titling "Bitter Infertile":

Filters and spaces out pregnancy announcements, to no more than two per week.  Given my friends' rates of reproduction, this may mean that I don't find out someone's pregnant until after she gives birth.  That's fine because, while cute little preggo-bellies make me sad, I no longer get emotional around newborns.  (Yay, personal growth!)  This also gets me out of baby showers.  Speaking of which...

Automatically blocks baby shower e-vites.  It'd be cool if I could also make it automatically order and ship something from the online registry, and have a computer send a card in my handwriting, but I just don't think the technology's there yet.

Changes profile pictures of sonograms to funny pictures of cats.  Cats are hilarious.

Edits baby-related status updates to include coupons for things the pregnant offender can't currently enjoy.  So, every time my friend complains about morning sickness, I get a discount off a bottle of tequila (so I can enjoy some "morning sickness" of my own).  Or, if my pregnant friend complains about being tired, their status update includes a printable gift card for Starbucks, so I can get an espresso and remind myself that pregnant women aren't allowed much caffeine.

Re-direct ultrasound videos to Jenna Marbles vlogs.  Jenna Marbles is one of the few things on the internet more hilarious than cats.

If anyone mommyjacks my status update, their Facebook account gets deleted.  Not as in, I unfriend or block them, but they are totally denied Facebook access.  If it could make their computer catch fire, that would be even better.  (Same goes for people who make those annoying comments about how you're not a "real" mom until you have multiple kids.)

Okay, so, obviously, I mean this all in good humor.  (At least, I hope that's obvious.)  And I totally get that the whole "pregnant women on Facebook are annoying" is a product of my own neuroses.  So I want to extend a big congratulations to all my friends who have just announced that they're expecting, my friends who are farther along, my knocked-up friends who haven't announced yet, and all their menfolk suffering along with them.  And a Merry Christmas to all, fully-grown humans and fetuses alike.

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