The Book of I Samuel (as directed by Christopher Nolan)

Over the years, there have been many movies made off Bible stories.  Most of them are terrible.

The terrible movies run the gamut from low-budget, overacted Bible School schlock, to trashy, intentionally sacrilegious made-for-tv schlock.  (Does anyone remember the made-for-tv "Samson and Delilah" miniseries?  No?  You're lucky.)

Even the big budget movies haven't fared much better.  "The Ten Commandments" is a classic, but that movie's 40 years old, and the acting is terrible.  (It probably doesn't help that I can't watch it without yelling, "The golden calf is people!  It's people!")  Plus, Charlton Heston kind of ruined everything by just becoming a crazy old guy who was way too in love with his guns.

Then we had "The Passion" which was awesome, but also kind of ruined when we found out that, true to what everyone was saying, Mel Gibson really is a crazy racist who is way too in love with graphic depictions of torture.

So, that leaves the best Bible movie in 20 years to be "Prince of Egypt", and that was a cartoon (great songs, though).

What we need is a big, sprawling, epic movie (or series of movies) based on a story that's full of action, betrayal, torn loyalties, all that jazz.  If movies like "Troy" and "300" can be wildly successful, there's no reason that 1 Samuel can't be the next period epic blockbuster.

Being the awesome movie producer I am, I've even figured out the casting.

Samuel - Tommy Lee Jones.  I'm basing this one almost entirely off his role in "No Country for Old Men".  He can play the wise old leader disheartened by increasing lawlessness and injustice, just like Samuel was disillusioned by his people turning from God.

Goliath - Vinny Jones.  Master of such diverse roles as "The Juggernaut" and "soccer hooligan".  Perfect casting for when you need a guy to stand there, looking intimidating and being a giant.

Saul - Robert Downey Jr.  No one does paranoid and rambling crazy like RDJ.  Though he's the villain for most of the story, Saul is still a very tragic character, and you can feel a little bit of sympathy for the guy.  Robert Downey Jr. is perfect for that.  He plays likeable womanizing alcoholics ("Iron Man" series) and likeable backstabbing, snitching drug addicts ("A Scanner Darkly").  Just tell me you can't picture him slouched on a throne, ordering David to play music for him.  Or having a rambling freak-out when minstrels sing, "Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands".  If we're going to make this movie, we have to get RDJ.

Michal - Olivia Wilde or some other girl who can look pretty.  This can be pretty much anyone; I don't really care.  Just not Megan Fox, she's annoying.

Jonathan - Karl Urban.  Karl Urban is great at playing a good guy who finds himself somehow stuck on the wrong side of the fight.  Look at his characters in "Doom", "Chronicles of Riddick", and "RED".  He's perpetually the honorable lieutenant unintentionally assisting the baddies.  This is perfect for the role of Jonathan, Saul's son who shares a bromance with his father's enemy, David.

David - Christian Bale.  This is kind of a lazy choice on my part.  You could cast Christian Bale as a Swedish milkmaid and he could pull it off, if you gave him a blonde wig and a few months to drop 100 pounds.  But he works as David because you need someone with the range to play David throughout his entire life.  And Christian Bale can play anyone.  Honestly, Christian Bale may be playing me in my life right now and I wouldn't know it, because he's so convincing and gets so far into character that I would have no idea I'm actually Christian Bale.  Are you sure you're not Christian Bale right now?  Really sure?

Random soldier that gets his head chopped off - Robin Williams, mid-impersonation.  Because that would be very satisfying.  Of course, even decapitated, he probably wouldn't shut up.

Dang, now I've gotten myself all excited over a hypothetical movie that's never coming out.  Does anyone have a phone number for Robert Downey Jr.?  I'm pretty sure that, if I can get him onboard, the rest of the pieces will just fall into place.