Friday, February 25, 2011

Why should babies get all the good stuff?

You ever look at the cool stuff kids get, and think about how much you wish they made the same things for adults?  Well, in news that would seem wonderful, they do.  Unfortunately, the actual effect is deeply, deeply, disturbing.

Because I am a kind and benevolent blogstress, I've scoured the seedy underbelly of the internet for the real-life versions of childhood products that should have been left to nostalgia.  I now present the sanitized version of my findings for my readers; though my mind is permanently scarred, it's not too late for you.

Footy pajamas.  I love when my 19-month-old son wears footy pajamas.  It makes him seem like a snuggly little bear cub.  He's just the most perfectly adorable, neatly-wrapped little package of fuzzy cuddliness, perfect for swooping up for eskimo kisses on a chilly Saturday morning.  How wonderful would it be to have footed pajamas for adults?  I like being warm and snuggly, and my husband is always complaining about my icy-chilled feet in the winter.  Grown-up-sized footed pajamas would be perfect!

...No, no they wouldn't.  Look at that couple.  They're two animal mascot heads away from being furries.  And if you visit the website that sells the adult footed pajamas, all the pictures are like that.  It's like they're trying to combine sleepover and swinger parties.  Some things just should not be modelled sexily.  One of the most disturbing aspects of the site is its proud boasting that every pair of pajamas comes with a "drop seat" (or "back door"), so you never have to take them off.  Unless your product is a laxative or a toilet, it's not best to associate one of its "top" features with "ease of pooping".  (I'm not even going to consider the alternative uses where you would want to keep pajamas on but still allow a door to your butt.)

But surely not all baby things made adult-sized turn out perverse, right?  After all, there's still things like...

Cribs.  Again, babies get all the best things for cuddling.  A crib is just an extra soft bed, but with toys attached and you can't fall out of it.  If you were an adult with a crib, you could stuff it with as many blankets and pillows and stuffed animals as you like.  (It's not like there's a risk of sudden adult death syndrome, or SADS.)  And stupid little babies don't even appreciate how awesome their crib is; they just cry to get out all the time.  Man, if adults had cribs, you know they would appreciate all the extra-soft, cuddly naps they would be getting....

Except they wouldn't (be sleeping, that is).  Because giant cribs and other assorted infant furniture is, once again, the realm of perverts, specifically, ones who like to dress up and be treated like giant babies.

The innocuously named furnished that lovely little crime scene to our right.  And it is literally a crime scene.  Baby Apparels is very proud that their products were featured on an episode of "CSI" (a.k.a. "that show about solving disgusting sex crimes").

Pacifiers.  You know what?  I'm not even going here.  I was going to write about how great a pacifier would be for people on a diet, or trying to quit smoking, but then I researched it and found that pacifiers are either used by ravers on X (something about dry mouth), or, once again, creeps.

To put it briefly, this website sells adult pacifiers, and all their products are made in Germany.  That should tell you everything you need to know.

This is depressing.  Surely there are infant-geared products that have been retrofitted for adults who aren't fetishists, right?

Yes, yes there have.  But they are mind-numbingly stupid or embarrassing.

Bibs.  Look at that little fella!  How sweet!  He's got liquified carrots all over his face, but it's okay!  That convenient bib is letting him be messily adorable while saving his clothes!

You know, even with my manual dexterity as good as it's ever going to get, some things are messy for me to eat sometimes.  What if I'm wearing a white shirt and my family spontaneously decides to all go out to a rib joint?  I could wear a bib and save my clothes!  Besides, cartoon characters are always tucking a bib under their neck before they take a knife and fork to a roadrunner or whatever.

Hey!  There's places to buy adult-sized bibs online!  Even the cool plastic washable ones with the little crumbcatcher at the bottom!  Internet wins again!

Oh...except all the places to buy adult bibs only sell them in bulk quantities, like 250 or greater.  Because they're suppliers for assisted living facilities.  That's...not as cool.  I just want to avoid dripping chipotle on my shirt, not look like I'm drooling applesauce 'cause I can't gum it hard enough.

There has got to be something for adults that is just as cool as when you were a baby.  Maybe not something mass-produced, but just the result of a grown-up with a childlike spirit, chasing a dream.  Like...

Johnny Jump-Up.  That's what I'm talking about.  This would be an awesome thing to make for adults simply because it's such a terrible thing that we currently make for kids.  Think about it.  We take babies, who are notoriously clumsy and squishy-brained, and put them in a self-powered high-tension slingshot, surrounded by a wooden door frame.  The one time I put my son in one of these, he sat there for about 0.2 seconds before trying to give himself a severe concussion.  Even when it operates properly, the goal is for the baby to shake himself silly.  (I guess to give abusive parents a smoke break?)  In a world fraught with frivolous litigation and recalls, we still make these for babies when, logically, you should have to be an adult and sign a waiver before climbing in one.  (They're even banned for use in childcare centers in Australia, the country where you can't walk 50 feet without a poisonous wild animal trying to kill you.)

This man is a hero.  Not only did he chase this lunatic dream as far as it would go, he made that rig out of low-cost and scavenged materials.  The rubber he used?  From old bicycles.  Think that metal ring on the top looks familiar?  It's from an old clothing rack a store threw away.  This guy saw a bunch of junk lying around, and thought not only to make a human slingshot out of it, but to test it himself.  (Though, from the picture, it looks like he's in some sort of backwoods arctic clime where there's nothing better to do.  Maybe Canada?)

Not being a greedy man, this guy also has instructions on his site for how to build one yourself (I guess with all the old clothing racks you have lying around).  He says it's to help invalids and paraplegics exercise, but you tell me an adult-sized Johnny Jump-Up wouldn't be the best drinking game accessory ever.

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